Wearing light jackets without hats or gloves, the District’s Minnesota natives held an outdoor press conference this morning to announce plans to downplay the coming snowstorm and insult Washingtonians who are affected by it. “It’s just a little snow,” said St. Paul native Kurt Longley, rolling his eyes on behalf of Minnesotans across DC. “This so-called storm would be just another winter day in the Twin Cities. And we intend to point that out, with condescension, to absolutely everyone we see this weekend.”
“Well I’m from Minnesota, so I’m pretty used to this,” said hundreds of Minnesotans to their co-workers this morning, adding that they never had a snow day growing up. Other Minnesotans have already begun criticizing the District’s snow removal abilities, saying repeatedly that the roads would have been cleared by now if we were in Rochester or Minnetonka.
As part of their plan, Minnesotans will make a point to note the current temperature in Minneapolis whenever a Washingtonian mentions the “cold” 30 degree weather that’s expected this weekend. And those North Star State natives with vehicles intend to drive them effortlessly through unplowed Washington streets, honking and sarcastically waving out their open windows to bundled, beleaguered pedestrians.
As frenzied Washingtonians sacrificed their dignity and battled one another in the aisles of Giant last night, desperate to get their hands on the last bag of frozen broccoli florets, Minnesotans remained unconcerned, opting not to stock up on supplies and groceries. “Relax, it’s only going to be a few days, you guys,” said Duluth native Ellie Andersen. “You really think you need a whole case of toilet paper? I’m not sure what kind of plans you have this weekend, but leave me out of it.”
While some smug Minnesotans plan to stay in this weekend to needle their shivering housemates and passive aggressively turn down the heat, others intend to demonstrate how superior Minnesotans are in winter weather by show of force. “I’m so excited for the snowball fight in Meridian Hill Park on Saturday,” said Edina native Jack Baer. “A bunch of us Minnesotans are going to band together and go for blood. We’re probably going to hurt some people, but that’s winter for you.”
Only time will tell how much snow the District sees this weekend, and how many times annoyed Minnesotans will have to explain that Fargo is not in Minnesota. At press time, the District’s Floridians and Southern Californians were convening a joint press conference to announce their plans to bitch about the weather and their alleged seasonal affective disorder all goddamn weekend.