After hearing Friday’s news that Walmart will renege on its deal with the city and forgo two pledged stores in poor, black areas of Ward 7, local liberal Alan Burgess was instinctively outraged by the behavior of the retail giant. “Those two-timing, racist bastards,” fumed Burgess. “They were lying all along, they were never going to build in Ward 7. That’s why they never signed anything. Bentonville just used DC’s poorest residents as a bargaining chip to get the stores they wanted. Vince Gray got played and the city and those people in Ward 7 got screwed. It’s fucked up. I’m so mad that Wal-Mart isn’t going to build those stores.”
As the words left his lips, the crushing irony dawned upon Burgess, who spent the better part of 2008 to 2013 railing against any Walmarts being built in Washington. Sources close to the dyed-in-the-wool leftist say he attended numerous anti-Walmart protests and was fond of explaining that Walmart’s shitty wages and unattainable benefits forced its employees to rely on public assistance programs like food stamps and Medicaid, pushing costs onto the taxpayer.
“What am I saying?” asked a visibly shaken Burgess, who reportedly had to lie down for several minutes after advocating for more Walmarts in Washington. It was only after he read further about Walmart’s reasons for cancelling its Ward 7 stores that Burgess was able to work himself back into a proper tirade and get on his feet again.
“Those disingenuous bloodsuckers can blame rising wages and paid family leave all they want, but you don’t see them closing the underperforming stores they opened in better areas. Walmart would rather try to sell their cheap shit to white people who don’t want it than black people who actually need it.”
At press time, Burgess’ hatred of Walmart had only been strengthened by the retailer’s ability to confound him.