The McMillan Sand Filtration Site in northern LeBloomingdroit has stood empty for years, leaving the city’s sand woefully unfiltered. But last week the Zoning Commission approved a number of plans for new mixed-use and residential developments on the valuable 25-acre plot. Stuck in DC has acquired the project’s architectural renderings. Here’s a look at what District residents can expect from the site.
A major point of contention between developers, residents, and community activists has been the inclusion of affordable housing units among the proposed unaffordable condos. Developers have reached a compromise whereby they will re-purpose those big, ugly concrete filtration towers into low-income housing:
Most of the units will not contain roofs, but then you get what you pay for. The locations of the affordable housing units will be deliberately placed to allow the much wealthier condo residents to look down at their inferiors, both literally and figuratively:
The affordable housing units will also be surrounded by moats to keep the classes separate:
Developers are also sensitive to the community’s diversity concerns. While they’ll be building condos for primarily white residents in a historically black neighborhood, they plan to make things right by reserving a small corner of the development’s park for black families and black orphans who have no one to play ball with:
Plus, residents who squint hard enough will be able to see Howard University, a fun-but-not-threatening reminder of the neighborhood’s cultural heritage:
Don’t let those affordable housing eyesores fool you–McMillan will still have plenty of room for ebullient businessmen to crush their negotiations as well-to-do blonde women check them out:
McMillan won’t just be for businessmen though. They’re also going to have some of those big concrete stairs where ebullient businesswomen love to congregate:
Since gold is too cliche, the streets will be paved with ivory:
McMillan will be very kid-friendly. A swath of idyllic land will be designated solely for cherubic children to run and jump hand in hand through dappled light:
A 53,000 square foot Harris Teeter is slated to open, but don’t get any ideas, affordable housing residents–the free samples are for paying customers only:
High end retail will include a Warby Parker, a Shinola, and a Warby Parker Express:
The development will include a large indoor pool where impossibly thin and toned residents will make normal-sized people too ashamed to swim:
Eat your heart out, Eastern Market. The McMillan development will also include space for self-proclaimed artists to hawk their shitty paintings, which will make perfect decoration for the site’s anodyne condo units:
Finally, the McMillan development will feature plenty of strolling space for Randall and Gail, a happy retired couple who are still very much in love and just cannot stop looking into each other’s eyes:
We should all be as lucky as Randall and Gail.