Look at this chick:


Does she look fucking rad, or what? That ice cold expression and posture, that awesome sweater! She clearly doesn’t give a shit about you or your party and wants you to know it. This is just the kind of confident, don’t-fuck-with-me young woman I want to roll with. When I saw her sitting in the American Art Museum, I got an instant friend crush.

Now granted, I may be a little too desperate to find new DC girlfriends, but a lot of the other young women in the American Art Museum look pretty cool too. I’d definitely spend some time with these ladies:


If I had a group of friends who wore floral dresses and danced together in fields on the weekends, I’d want for nothing.


Three’s a bookclub, amirite ladies? Let’s get our Ortberg on and read Texts from Jane Eyre next.


These sisters look like the intelligent, liberal arts types I want to start a salon with. They would definitely laugh at my Joyce Carol Oates puns, and I bet they hate Jonathan Franzen for all the right reasons. Ladies of letters, join me! You can edit my Stuck in DC pieces, or write your own!


Yeah girl, we are hitting Wonderland tonight and dancing.


I’m sure you get this all the time, but you look just like a Victorian Kristen Stewart. Do you need a hand with those tiger lilies? I’d hate to see you get pollen on your frock.


These poor girls are so bored they’re watching a pair of turtles race across the floor. Lame! They need me. I show up with a few bottles of syrah, those kimono strings loosen up a bit, and we have some fun. Sleepover!


It’s like they’re waiting for me to come and hang out.


Fuck bras! If we’re hanging out in this DC weather, we are hanging out. Let em look! But please, leave the little flute-crotch guy behind.


Jesus, finally a person of color in this joint. I was starting to think the American Art Museum was a candidate for Washington’s 100 Whitest. Anyway, I loved this woman on sight. When your accessories match the wine you’re drinking, you know you’ve got style. Pour me a glass!


Quiet self-reflection before an unforgiving sea is so much more fun with a buddy! Mind if I pull up a rock?


I don’t care who it is, I’m just a total a sucker for anyone rocking arms akimbo. IMG_0438

I’ll be honest, I don’t really want to be friends with this girl. She’s clearly boring and stuck up, and probably religious in a preachy way. I just want to go out with her once, because my skin would look amazing by contrast.


Now hear me out, ladies. I’m totally down to stay in and drink hibiscus tea for a few hours. But how about after that we throw on some jeans and I register y’all to vote?


Behold Mnonja, the undisputed queen of the American Art Museum. I’m not even close to cool enough to sit on that incredible couch, much less actually hang out with with this goddess of a woman. I’m just going to stare at her sparkly shoes from a safe distance and try to remember I’m in a museum.