As Washingtonians hunker down for a historic blizzard that could shutter the city for days, the residents of one Bloomingdale group house are growing increasingly worried that their supply of marijuana won’t last the duration of the storm. “A little less than an eighth,” grimly declared Sid Cohen this morning as he held up a bag of weed that was at least half shake. “I don’t think it’s going to be enough.”
With area weed dealers’ drawers as bare as the produce aisles of grocery stores, Cohen and housemates Jeff Cejka and Kyle Lewis have been unable to procure more bud to augment their rapidly dwindling supply. Sources say Billy and RJ have both been out for a few days, and last-minute calls and texts to “Craig’s guy” and “that guy we met outside 9:30 Club” have reportedly gone unanswered.
“Maybe it’ll be enough,” said Lewis as the three housemates sat staring at their bag, dying to smoke yet fearful of doing so.
“It’s not going to be enough,” said Cohen. “You know how much we smoke, and you know how much we want to smoke after we’ve already smoked. This isn’t Hanukkah weed, dude. One nug isn’t going to last for days and days.”
“How could we have let this happen?” asked Cejka in disbelief, thinking back to previous nights spent at Showtime instead of out securing emergency supplies. “I was planning to be high pretty much the whole time we were stuck here.”
“We all were, Jeff,” shot back Cohen. “And we still can be if we stick together and do this right.” Cohen then reportedly grabbed the bag of weed from the table and announced that the group would have to ration their supplies in order to survive the weekend. “We obviously can’t afford to roll any joints, and I think we’d be wise not to use the bowl either,” said Cohen. “As the lease-holder, I’m instituting a one hitter only policy starting immediately.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?” asked Lewis.
“No damnit!” shouted Cohen. “This is the storm of the century. If we’re not careful, we could be looking at worst case scenario here: we could be snowed in all Sunday with no weed.”
“We’ve got plenty of beer,” said Lewis.
“That’s only going to make us want to smoke more,” countered Cohen, and the group fell silent, because they knew it was true. There’d be no drinking their way out of the great Washington blizzard of 2016.
At press time, with the onset of the storm just hours away, Cejka had reportedly grabbed the bag of weed and barricaded himself inside his room, prompting a panicked Cohen to throw himself at Cejka’s door, and prompting Lewis to start scraping the resin out of the house bowl in a fit of desperation and self-loathing.