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JT, 28, 3 miles away

Consultant. Crossfit. Lists Greek letters.

LEFT

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Carl, 33, 4 miles away

Says he’s a big Woody Allen fan; clearly bald.

LEFT

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Francis, 29, 1 mile away

About Me says he leans on his faith. G’bye!

LEFT

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Jason, 30, 6 miles away

Scruffy musician types just don’t excite me.

LEFT

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T, 28, 4 miles away

He’s handsome, he’s well dressed, and he has a list of his favorite authors in his profile. I can’t wait to see what his hands look like on our first date!

RIGHT

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MacArthur, 25, 8 miles away

Sooooo sick of Georgetown rower bros. And he lives in Arlington.

LEFT

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Dirk, 22, 48 miles away

When you set your mile radius too high and start getting dudes from West Virginia.

LEFT

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Paul, 40, 2 miles away

He’s handsome and says he’s an artist, so that’s cool. And he has that halo and all, but I don’t know, there’s something about him that really that creeps me out. He looks like he’s gotten around. I’d be worried about getting syphilis or something.

LEFT

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Louis, 26, 5 miles away

I can’t fix this dude’s broken heart.

LEFT

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Leon, 31, 2 miles away

Lol, nice bulge dude. He looks kind of familiar, but maybe that’s just because he looks like every other dumpy white dude who works on The Hill. He doesn’t list his height and his photo cuts off at the knee, so he’s probably really short. I bet he has some kind of complex too. No thanks.

LEFT

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Zip, 19, 4 miles away

I’ve never been a sucker for a man in uniform, much less a melancholy virgin in uniform.

LEFT

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Bennett, 34, 1 mile away

Bennett is handsome, he has a strong nose and a good head of hair. He loves to read, and he writes for a living, which I love. I dig the flower, the brown pants, everything. But I just can’t kiss a smoker.

LEFT

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Alphonse, 21, 7 miles away

He looks like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle, and I am not digging that white neckerchief.

LEFT

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Marcus, 23, 3 miles away

What is it with the white neckerchiefs?

LEFT

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Herman, 67, 6 miles away

Ahhhhhhh Tinder glitch! I hate it when super old dudes slip in.

LEFT

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William, 28, 2 miles away

He’s good looking enough, but I feel like by the time I got all his clothes off, I wouldn’t even be in the mood anymore.

LEFT

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Dan, 31, 2 miles away

Just another bearded dude with a dog who says he loves craft beer.

LEFT

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Cam, 30, 6 miles away

I feel like he’d always want to sleep over.

LEFT

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A & E, 28, 9 miles away

Ugh, yet another couple looking for an NSA third.

LEFT

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Craig, 27, 1 mile away

Showin’ a little knee! About Me says bacon and whiskey is life. Says he’s in town for a good time, not a long time.

LEFT

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Doug, 29, 2 miles away

This dude creeps the hell out of me. I don’t know what he intends to do with that gloved hand, but I don’t want to stick around to find out.

LEFT

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Pat, 25, 4 miles away

He looks like several of my favorite female musicians.

LEFT

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Joshua, 24, 1 mile away

Really into EDM.

LEFT

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Fuck. I swear I’m only swiping right because I’m curious what this jerk would text. Tinder’s a game, and if you’re gonna play it, you gotta play it.

RIGHT

IT’S A MATCH!