69  Sleep

68  Cry

67  Dream

66  Wet dream

65  Masturbate

64  Convalesce

63  Sex

62  Oral Sex

61  Period Sex

60  Jump up and down

59  Check underneath for monsters

58  Oversee stuffed animal election

57  Unprotected sex

56  Masturbate with condom

55  Eat crackers

54  Drink wine

53  Aerate wine

52  Vote for Jill Stein

51  Watch Soaps

50  Wear shoes

49  Pee

48  Poop

47  Puke

46  Paint (acrylic)

45  Plagiarize

44  Paint (oil)

43  Shave

42  Shop

41  Fight

40  Play Monopoly

39  Gamble

38  Pretend to be professional athlete (as adult)

37  Recreational drugs

36  Morphine

35  Hallucinate

34  Re-enact Reagan getting shot

33  Sleep near cell phone

32  Sit with laptop on crotch

31  Set bisque down

30  Feed squirrel

29  Re-pot perennials

28  Nap with wet hair

27  Nap when it’s dark

26  Fantasize about climate-change-induced apocalyptic world where I survive with a small, attractive galère in the north woods

25  Mansplain the Patriarchy

24  Re-read Couples by John Updike

23  Consider an MBA

22  Respond to Craigslist personal

21  Lose wallet

20  Blood thinners

19  Leave window open at night with lights on

18  Smoke a cigarette

17  Spinal tap

16  Apply to jobs at law firms

15  Decide decoupage project could use some glitter

14  Sleep with socks on

13  Fantasize about the glory of war

12  Start this blog

11  Assume it’s probably nothing

10  Talk about getting a PhD in the humanities “for the sake of learning”

9  Pray

8  Attempt to fit fitted sheet while on mattress

7  Biopsy

6  Break up with smart, funny person I loved

5  Bone marrow biopsy

4  Attempt to clip a terrier’s nails

3  Chemotherapy

2  “I don’t need a box spring, this is fine.”

1  Lie back and wait for happiness and fulfillment