Attention buyers and real estate developers: NOW is your chance to own a slice of beautiful Washington, D.C.

Mayor and motivated seller Muriel Bowser is unloading city properties for pennies on the dollar!

She’s slashing prices right and left!

EVERYTHING must go!

Mayor Bowser won’t be undersold. Just last week she closed two major deals with price tags so low you’d think she was CRAZY!

Bowser sold 965 Florida Ave NW in the booming Shaw neighborhood for the low low price of $400,000—at least $5 MILLION under market value! What a steal! All the developer had to throw in was an agreement to reserve 30% of its housing units to low income families. A small price to pay for a deal this good!

But that’s not all!

Bowser also closed a $55 million deal with Washington Wizards and Mystics owner Ted Leonsis for a new practice facility and arena on the St. Elizabeth’s campus in Congress Heights. In exchange for Leonsis’ rock bottom payment of $15 million in rent and investments over the next 20 years, Bowser sweetened the deal by throwing in $23 million from the District and another $27 million of taxpayer money. WOW!

“This is a BFD,” announced Bowser. That doesn’t stand for Big financial drain, folks. It means BIG FUCKING DEAL!

But Bowser’s bargains don’t end there! It’s a buyer’s market!

  • The Reeves Municipal Building on red hot 14th and U can be yours for just $600,000—less than a single rowhouse!
  • Logan Circle’s Garrison Elementary is priced to move at a can’t beat $100,000!
  • Want to own the MLK Library property in the middle of Chinatown? $50,000 down and a promise to lease the ground floor to a new Whole Foods is all it takes!
  • Mayor Bowser is literally selling the floor under her feet: The historic John A. Wilson District Building in Judiciary Square will only cost you $700,000 OR BEST OFFER. Kick in the cost of a new co-working space for the mayoral staff and Bowser can be out by the end of October!

And if you thought last week’s property deals were BIG, wait til you see what the mayor has in store next. According to sources within Bowser’s office, she’s close to inking two more MEGA-deals this week:

  • Bowser is reportedly shopping all the land west of Rock Creek Park—much of the District’s tax base and some of the most valuable property in nation—to the State of Maryland for a miniscule $100 million. All Maryland would have to do is promise to allot 30% of the land for affordable housing and to withdraw their appeal to the Washington Redskins to keep the team in the state, a major domino for Bowser’s biggest deal yet:
  • It’s no secret Bowser wants the Redskins back in the District. She has reportedly offered Redskins owner Dan Snyder the RFK Stadium site for mere peanuts—specifically expired airline peanuts. She’s ready to offer $50 million in taxpayer funds in exchange for the move and is even ready to throw in Fort DuPont Park in Southeast so the Skins can build a new practice facility. “This deal would be bigger than football,” says Bowser. And according to economists, the practice facility in Fort DuPont Park would only need to host 442 non-football events a year to make the deal worthwhile.

But Bowser’s bargains won’t last forever! Don’t miss out! NOW is the time to bid!